OH PETA, you are a misguided people

First, I invite you to check out my Health Care blog entry at www.oddlyoffcenter.com. I am passionate about end-of-life issues.

Oh Peta. I used to be a card carrying member because I do believe Veganism is the way to go for lifelong health and weight management, but their scare tactics only alienate people. Their most recent attempt succeeded in pissing parents off.

They stood outside a McDonalds and passed out Unhappy Meals with the intention of showing consumers how a chicken nugget meal is made. I would think that people are aware of the agony animals endure before become a cheeseburger or mcnugget. Trying to convince a committed carnivore into becoming a vegetarian is like getting a catholic to renounce god.

State of the Heather report:

I am maintaining my weight at 157 pounds. I had a setback when my Herniated Disk flared-up on Saturday. I got another shot in my back yesterday and I feel much better. I wont be exercising until next week. I've also decided to have the surgery as soon as possible because I realized that my lifestyle does not lend itself to non-surgical management. I want to be running a marathon next year and shots are like a salve to the compressed nerve.

I mentioned to the my shot doctor that I wanted to loose more weight, about 20 pounds, before having the surgery. I lost 25 since the last shot. He feels it will not make a difference. He says I'm healthy now, I want to enjoy my new body now. Get it done already. So that's what I am going to do.

I have another MRI tomorrow night and an appt with my Neurosurgeon next Wednesday. My parents are ready to come for a week and take care of me. I'll keep everyone posted. Until I can really exercise I am focused on eating small portions and lots of Spinach.

I love Spinach.

Peace.

Wallow Baby...Wallow

My last entry I wrote about 'The Plateau' and that I could feel it starting. It's rearing it's ugly head and I am cool with it. I am allowing myself to enjoy it and eat the things I love within the boundaries of veganism: Empire Szechuan's Veggie Beef with Broccoli and Peanut Butter dumplings. Yes it's vegan, but that doesn't mean it's healthy for me. It's loaded with fat, simple carbs and oodles of yummy goodness. I had a PB+J. Twice. My only rule for myself during the week is eat only when hungry. I just made myself hungry.

Why have I decided to allow, nay enjoy, this descent into gastronomic madness? Simple, I need to relax and this is the perfect week. I weighed 157 pounds last Thursday before I left for my weekend with family. I returned by the Greyhound night bus on Monday morning and went directly to work. I was on call last night. I am exhausted. And I am a fatigue eater first and a stress eater second. So I eat. To try and force myself to comply with my self-imposed eating rules would be counter-productive. I work for the rest of the week-topping out 60 hours. With my awesome paycheck next Thursday, I will run to the farmer's market for fresh veggies.

My theory on the benefits of the allowing this natural plateau to come to fruition.

The body gets used to the same foods, exercise, mental state. Breaking my dietary habits for a while (Just a week. Only a week.) will change it's response to when I do return to my more stringent routine. Even if I gain two pounds it will pay off when I jump-start myself on Saturday. I've already lost 25 pounds, so I'm willing to gain two to maintain my mental sanity and get through the rest of the week. Diet-Blog has a great entry on how to break a plateau, which I am doing:change it up, relax, don't obsess, and change exercise. Less running and more walking. My mantra for this week-"Give the body a break."

The Plateau

Just to let everyone know that I am here and doing well. I went away for the weekend to Tremblant in Quebec. I swam, ran, and kayaked. After the weekend I took the night bus back to NYC from Montreal. (Which it itself was an experience) I arrived home at 715 and then worked all day. So I'm a little tired. My fatigue caused me to eat some chocolate-obsessively. And then I realize I am allowing myself to hit a plateau. Since I got to 157lb. So, I started wondering about that and how a plateau works and how we get there.

Anyway, this is a topic I want to explore in depth. Any comments about plateau are welcome.

Thanks,

Heather

Raw Fish and Sas

A few days ago I kinda did a bad thing, but for good reasons. As a Vegan I do not eat any animal flesh as a rule. Yesterday, I was suffering some forceful female flow then became pale and tired. I hadn't had any of my normal protein foods like beans or quinoa. When I got home from work I was too tired to lift a pot and pour water. Plus, Sebastian danced at my heels begging for his ambulation. What's an anemic gal to do.

I took the beast for his walk(too fatigued to run) and hit up the nearest Sushi joint for a Sashimi appertizer (sic). I also got some eel sas(sic) and seaweed salid.(sic) I did feel better afterwards plus if I have to eat something animal I feel that raw fish is the best thing. My dietary beliefs stem from my spiritual beliefs. A human being can catch, kill and consume a fish without the use of tools. Therefore, from an anthropological perspective, humans are meant to eat the fish. On the other hand I was proud of my Vegan label, one I work hard to maintain. My desire to maintain the label convinced me to stop eating seafood in last year. I chose to eschew dairy for health reasons in January. So there I was-A Vegan. I don't wear leather or wool. I only buy shoes that say, "Man Made Materials Only."

And now because I forgot to take my iron pill-for one month. I ate some fish.

I feel bad. I feel like I let my fellow Vegans down. Soon they will come after me with carrots.

I did make a lovely Hummus this evening with Avocado and a quarter shot of Tequila. Yummy

I Covet...

As I ran tonight, this woman blazed passed me in the park. She had that slim 4-pack figure seen on every cover of Shape magazine. And I thought, "I really want that." And I knew it was not because she looked "HOT," but because I knew what that body could do. She reminded me of a gazelle from the discovery channel as she glided across the black-top. I imagined that she could climb a 5.10 big wall using just her taut abs. Her skin glowed-maybe that was the sweat-and looking at her made my 2010 Marathon resolve even stronger. The work it would take to stay in motion for 4 hours would get me that which I covet.

I was pumping hard too. I kept my heart rate above 110 for 1 hour 20 minutes and stayed in the good zone for 45 minutes. Sebastian came with me tonight. He likes to stop and smell bushes, he likes to stop and stalk squirrels, he likes to stop and take dumps. Sebastian can be annoying when I am in the zone. But I love my boy, without him I'd be eating another Boston Creme doughnut, not blogging. Without my boy, I'd still weigh 230 pounds. Without my boy the events that led me to create Fat Pants/Skinny Jeans would have never happened.

According to my heart rate monitor, I burned 1007 calories. In light of my 1/3 pound metabolic fire, I turned down 105th street to hit up the Dunkin Donuts for coffee(yup, i like java after a workout) and a munchkin. The Donut man snuck in a Boston Creme alongside my chocolate munchkin. At home, I handed the bag to my roomie who thankfully demolished the 250 calories treat. I had three chocolate munchkins after my broccoli and dandelion sandwich.

Tomorrow I will do a short form workout and make hummus.

The Underside of 160

Wow. I honestly did not think it would happen. I presumed my 38 year old body reached a point of rigidity and stubbornness that I would never see 159 lbs. I am fully back in my size 10s without signs of a shiitake mushroom. A month ago I spoke about the "not thinking about concept." Yup, Just going through my day, eating the food I like and exercising, did the trip. Sure it took a bit longer, but the weight-loss will stick like sushi rice.

On the running front, I completed a 4 miler this weekend with a time of 45:36 min for a pace of 11:24. That's a full minute improvement from my last run which was a 5 miler. Though I do feel I had one more mile in me.

I happy with my progress and I know I want more. I want to go all the way. Now I am really battling the last 20 pounds.

Plugging Away

Hello friends,

I have done very well this week not thinking about it. I did have one faux paus: I stepped on the scale and I went up. I attribute this to bloat and having already eaten. I vowed not to return until my Ann Taylor size 10 petite jeans loosened. Putting those jeans back on was awesome;they make my man-thighs look smaller. And I hadn't worn them in two years. I will never lose to excess again. But I'll toss them on the top shelf when I slip size 8 Banana Republics.

Next Saturday I do my second New York City Road Runners Run, the Run for Central Park. It's my favorite place in the world, I will do anything to keep it just as it is. It's a 4 miler and I am going for 50 minutes and no stopping on the hills. To this end, I have powered myself up the hills(which are brutal in CP) giving myself the option of walking at the top. I never do. It's easy once you get to the top. So I have three more training days, Tues-Thurs with a rest on Friday. Tired thighs are the running devil's plaything. I had a great run on Sunday, pacing an 11:38. But I am really going for the 11 minute mile mark for this run and the next.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Not Thinking about it works!

So I stepped on the scale at work a few days ago.... survey says...162lbs. I am a few weeks away from seeing the underside of 160. I haven't been there in 4 years. My size 10 jeans fit and so many of my post-makeover clothes will soon be liberated from their hangers.

This weekend I am hanging with my parents, niece, and dog in Newburg(about 2 hours north of NYC) and I am getting good exercise. My parents, having battled their own bulge with Weight Watchers, eat small portions and low-fat snacks.

I guess my one concern would be that, now, since I am aware of my success, I may subconsciously go the other way. Now, through my work during the writing of this blog, I am aware of this tendency, therefore I will fight against it. Size 8 here I come....

-Happy 4th everyone!
Pic from one of my first blog entries.

My first 5 mile run

I did my first 5 mile run in Central Park on Saturday. I had a lot of fun but I noticed a trend in myself that I am not sure is a good or bad thing. The park is very hilly which saps my strength, so I tend not to overexert myself with the intention of saving some for later. When I hit the last mile I knew I was going to finish and finish well under my goal time. I finished sprinting and felt I had more in me. A lot more. My friend, who doesn't run regularly, joined me in the race. Today he is sore, every muscle hurts. I feel fine. Should exercise exhausted me? Will I only progress to the next level if I feel some burn?

Next month I am doing a 4 mile run benefitting Central Park, my favorite place in the world. For my training I will focus on running up the hills. My goal for the entire 4 miles is not to walk.

I ran/walked the 5 miles yesterday in 1 hour 02-minutes and 40 seconds. That's a 12:32 pace. I know I can do better than that. But it was my first official run so I am happy with my performance.

Live and Enjoy

I love food and I love to workout, so that's good. One balances the other. I would like to get to a point that I can stop obsessing about food and exercise. I feel that lately I get so crazy about checking my weight and clothing and heart rate. When can I get to the place where I am just me. Doing what I want to do. With the blog's help I discovered I had to give up the dairy and chocolate. When can I just be a person that eats certain foods when she is hungry and stops when she is full. When can I just be a person who runs for forty minutes. I am always thinking about the next hurdles: run the 5K then a 10K, then the marathon, climb the 5.6 then the 5.7. Can't I just live in the moment when it comes to food and exercise.

Does living in the moment remove goal-oriented thinking? Is this a bad thing? Would I be able to do both. Live in the moment and have goals.

All the major granola crunchy spiritualities boast that living in the moment opens doors to lifelong bliss. But then if I am blissful all the time it doesn't matter what I do next. Or does it? Where is the line between ambition and obsession

Trying to wrap my cranium around this one.

Dangling on a precipice: The Roadblock

It's Sunday night, I've had a hard week and I am trying to psyche myself back into my routine. I was doing so well, but my female issues which I've dealt with over the last two months came to a head and required some minor surgery. I wish I had a weak stomach, but alas, I am that obnoxious person who can wake from anesthesia, eat a chili-cheese dog, then ride the cyclone at Coney Island with nary a hiccough. Therefore any benefit gained from my forced fast was lost when I came home and ate Empire Schezuan, the finest Veggie Pork Purveyor in all of NYC. Just because it's not real pig doesn't exclude the soy from being processed and dripping with oil. Such Yummy Goodness, baby. Post-operative Vegan Soul Comfort Food

I skipped out on two Boot Camps this week. One I was exhausted from the month long leakeage in my nether parts on Wednesday, slept all Thursday, and had the procedure on Friday. I've spent the weekend slightly overeating take out because my mom sent me a check for, well, take out. All vegan, so that's a good thing.

I wish I didn't have to obsess about what I put in my mouth. But I am just one of those obnoxious people who take comfort eating to a new heights. If I didn't have the blog I might be comforting myself till next month.

I'll be strict again... as soon as I finish this Mexican Salad from Blockheads. Loaded with Guacamole which is loaded with fat. Good fat, but still fat.

Peace. Tomorrow I will discuss High Fructose Corn Syrup. Why is it so bad.

Shockley's Ceiling

Had bootcamp last night. Sergeant ordered 50 of the sadistic squats that seared my thighs. To her credit she'd rather us do the exercise with the proper form even if that means some of us would only do half. She wants a quality squat leading to quality burn. She even threatened us with extra if just one of use performed it incorrectly. Then we did push-ups. 20 sets of 20 second intervals with 10 seconds of rest. I like to do man push-ups just to prove that I can, but in this case my man form carried me for...um...10 seconds. I switched to femine style. Which lead me to the title of this entry. The why of my quest for toned arms and strong thighs: Rock Climbing.

I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Rock Climbing. I jumped out of a plane twice. I rafted Class 4 rapids. I hiked with the Jaguars. But nothing is more interesting and fun than Rock Climbing. The sport combines style, strength, and science while forcing one to conquer their fears like falling and spiders. However, it's an expensive proposition for a city-girl: two hour drive, rental car, guide. I went up to the The Gunks about two weeks ago. We did a chimney route, Shockley's Ceiling. Hoisting myself over the overhang proved to be a problem. I tried three times, only making it halfway. With my biceps quivering like jello, I conceded to the rock and asked for an assist. My only thought as I piloted the Zipcar onto the New York State Thruway, "I will be back. And I will climb that without aid."

So that's why I pay this woman to order me around like the inferior weakling I am.

Never thought I'd ever say...Can I do a lap instead.

Boot Camp Report Day 2

We did a military run in which the leader sets the pace, then the last person sprints to the front and becomes the leader. Rotate through so that everyone gets to lead and we make it around the great lawn with "No Man left behind." My group ran a 4:45, 15 seconds shy of our goal. Sergeant Stacy asked if we wanted to go around again or do 25 squat thrusts. Someone said squat thrusts.

I will describe the Squat Thrust, a new form of torment thrust upon me by Sergeant Stacy. I bend over, into a squat, place my hand on either side of my feet then shoot them behind me into a plank position. I then jump them forward, returning to the squat and standing up. Bend, Thrust, Repeat, and hope to contain the gaseous remnants of my pre-workout beans. Then some people showed up late. 25 more squat thrusts for all of us. Arggh! I think I understand how hazing happens.

Throughout our hour of squatting, and all it's forms, I questioned my dedication to the task. After my pickled arms could not support my legs, I rested. But, I thought, is this really the limit or can I squeeze out one more squat. I'd only rest for seconds then move forward. As I write this, I wonder, have I always pushed myself to my limits?

I know I have in skiing and snowboarding. What about rock climbing, or even Physical Therapy. I should have good abs after PT, but today I fought for every Jackhammer. Two weeks ago, I gave up on an overhang move on a the rock, knowing there was no way. My arms had not yet reached the jelly stage, but somehow I knew it was futile to keep trying. That's not my normal m.o. Hmmm things for me to ponder.

I ended the hour doing monkey crawls, another hideous exercise for the arms and legs. I was the last one to finish. I asked the assistant if I could do a lap instead. He said no?

Today's Positives:
I can lunge without tipping over? The aforementioned assistant told me to imagine pushing myself into the ground. And it worked. I did 45 push ups, 10 standard, 35 girl. And still took the dog out for a minor jog when I got home.

Thanks for all the support, Everyone. Have a wonderful evening.

I thought I was in Shape....

But then I took a Boot Camp Class, which as I sort of expected proved to me how little strength I have. My arms are jelly right now, and I want to hit my bed, but am determined to blog. On the upside I was one of the top 10 runners.

Some backstory, then a picture.
Sorry about my two month absence. Once I figured out that I really was a food addict and discovered my trigger foods I was actually afraid to blog about my progress. I worried I might have gone in a spiral again. On April 1 I chose to become, for the last time,a vegan. I was always a vegetarian but would weave in and out of dairy consumption as my desires did. I would loose weight when I omitted the cheese and chocolate, but then once I got to a nice place I'd consume again. Once I realized my pattern and embraced the emotional reasons for my yo-yo behavior, I made that choice to never eat an animal based food. I see now, that, for me, dairy consumption coats me in a layer of fat. I cannot control myself.

So I have made progress. In January I weighed 182 at the doctor. This morning I weighed 165. I am about one week of sit-ups, crunches, and squats from my size 10 Ann Taylor Jeans. The poverty diet gave me a good jump start. On April 1st it hit me that I was one month away from my best friend's wedding. And I too was going to walk down the aisle and stand with her. My dress(she let us choose our own, black being the only requirement, she rocks) I wore one year ago at 165 pounds. I started jogging every day and, I admit, cut back on my portions for some rapid weight loss-about 10 pounds in that month. Now I am a bit more relaxed about it.

I eat about six times per day. No big meals, all vegan, mostly raw, and only fruit in the morning. This is what works for me. I can still have fake cheese and fake meat, which I love, and carob or dark cocoa to satisfy my inner chocoholic. I swear I am only a B cup. This dress lovingly lifts and shapes the boobs.

Now I have my fitness goals which led me to Stacy's Bootcamp. Today was the first day. We start with a 10 minute jog. Then the mega-fit Stacy orders us to get down and do sit-up, for a minute--OH MY-then push-ups, then crunches, then laps, sprints. You get the idea. I needed to shake up my routine. And the best part, it's all in Central Park, my favorite place in the world.

On another happy note-I had injections in my back for my Herniated Disk, did my Physiotherapy, lost weight and now I have no pain. And likely I will not need surgery if I get back down to 140.

So that's all for now. Here I am with "Weird Al" at 180. My face holds a lot of Weight.

Ride the Yo-Yo

Before I lost the bulk of my excess weight, I didn't not have a pair of skinny jeans. Then I lost my weight had my surgery and voila, I hung a pair of size 6's in the closet. Now four years later I have sizes 6-12 in my closet. Back in my twenties, I had size 14-24 in the closet. I'm still a yo-yo but now I playing in a different pool.

I'm sure anyone reading this has felt the utter thrill of slipping into a pair of formerly too tight pants. My confidence goes through the roof for a week. And then for some reason I start eating poorly. I eat chocolate, easter candy, and cheese. A month later, usually after my cycle, I start eating better. Rinse and Repeat.

Why do I do this. My life good enough that I don't need the momentary rush that comes for putting on a size 8.

Right now, I am falling a little. I lost three pounds from the poverty diet, but then I got paid. On the positive I am not eating cheese. I am also dealing with a herniated disk which causes constant discomfort. Exercise is against advice. I had a spinal injection today and the doctor said I'll know if it works by Sunday. If it doesn't then surgery is the answer. I wish I could get it done now, but because of my job, I'll have to wait till after summer. I also said that I wanted to loose weight. The doc said I am not overweight that it would cause a problem.

Sorry for the ramble; I just want to be skinny again. I liked it.

Stick with Me

Sorry for the week off. My sister came to visit after I've complained for years that she's never come. So taking time out to Blog seemed just not nice. I wouldn't want to give her a reason to never come again either.

Two entries keep rolling around in my head:

1. I think I am addicted to dieting. More on that tomorrow.

2. Why do we give our children food we've not touched since the freshman fifteen?

My sis, niece, and I had a good time. We saw Shrek The Musical which was loads of fun. I took her to Canal Street, Chinatown, where she haggled, bartered and clawed her way to 6 "designer" handbags for $160. My niece scored big at the American Girl Place with a Molly doll plus PJ's for her and the doll. They looked so cute at night I need insulin They dragged me to Time Square and Rockefeller Center plus the aforementioned Chinatown-places I don't dare to go in my normal life as a New Yorker. My friends and family can gauge how much I love them by where I am willing to tread.

Will expand tomorrow night.

Quinoa Casserole--The Poverty Diet's Healthy Friend

When I embarked on the Poverty Diet, I knew I'd have find a healthier alternative to white carbs like pasta and bread. Since becoming a vegetarian 6 years ago, I used Quinoa in my diet, but it's preparation scared me and I witnessed many diasters. It would come out too soggy or too hard. The art of cooking anciet grains escaped me. Until one day last year, out of boredom, or maybe a wish to really screw up so I'd forever purchase ready made Quinoa at Whole Foods, I boiled the germ in butternut squash soup. Wowsa! I am a culinary genuis. I've since used Veggie Broth, Mushroom soup, and tomato broth. Last night, I hit up the Garden of Eden Grocery on Broadway with 5 dollars credit and 8 dollars cash. Here is my creation:


Ingredients:(My brain numbs when faced with numbers and measuring so I eyeball it! And I'm only hurting myself, and my roommate, if I mess up.)


Kidney beans
Onion
Zuccini
portabella mushroom
red pepper
spinach
broccoli
garlic(only fresh, anything less is sacrilige to the muse of spices)
red chile flakes
salt
pepper
ginger
1 cup Quinoa
2 cups water, or broth of your choosing.

Boil the liquid and Quinoa-when it reaches a boil, cover and simmer. In the saucepan heat olive oil, garlic, onion. When it starts to brown, in stages, add the zuccini, red pepper, portabella, and spinach. The veggies with the lowest water take longest and don't lose their flavor and texture when cooked. When the Quinoa has absorbed the water the veggies should be done. Add them to the pot with the beans, mix then spice to taste. I put the broccoli in last because I like it crunchy.

Loaded with protein and I made enough for six servings at a cost of 10 dollars.

Picture to follow when I get home.

Food Fear Factor

First I'd like to say thanks to all my new readers. I appreciate all the support. And shout out to my reader in Atlanta, Ga. for being the best fan, and friend, a girl could have.(I am talking you, Miss M.C.R.)

So today's topic is Fear.
Poverty week has me eating salad, hummus, and PB and SJ(Strawberry Jam) sandwiches. Kinda boring but I feel that this is good for me. Food should not be the center of my world; I don't work for the Food Network.

Last night I stayed at my friend's place who doesn't know how to just throw a meal together. Everything requires cooking and chopping plus always tastes good. He prepared Bean Burritos with spicy guacamole, fresh bread, and veggies with blue cheese. I wasn't terribly hungry but I ate anyway then felt the fear takeover. I thought I had vanquished my fear issues, but it seems they come up at times. I worry that their won't be enough food or feel like I have to load up because I won't be fed again. This worked for Neanderthal man, but not for Manhattan woman who never has burn more than 50 calories to obtain sustenance.

Another example of the Food Fear Factor at the 116th and Fredrick Doughlas Rite Aid:

The poverty diet works because I cannot afford anything like Easter candy. Yea!! Oh but I wanted it so bad the other night at the Rite Aid. They had the 'Hersey's Candy Coated' Chocolate Eggs, my other favorite which I had not had this season. I only had 9 dollars for gum, diet soda, and tampons. Good tampons are expensive!! DAMM. I never noticed before. Then the evil fear thoughts started: What if they don't have them anymore? Get this bag and then you wont buy anymore till next year. That's bull you will totally get more this year. Don't give in. ARGH! Go eat some spinach both of you crazy people living in my head.

Anyone else motivated by fear when it comes to eating.

The Smartest Woman I know

My co-worker, E, bit into a Dulce de Leche Girl Scout Cookie. I did the same. We both found the cookie to be bland in the middle plus too sweet at the top. I for some reason sunk my teeth into the over processed cookie, as if my initial assessment lacked the power of all my taste buds.

E. walked over to the garbage and tossed in the remaining portion. "It's not very good, I'm going to throw it out." Brilliant woman. She's got a healthy figure, size 4.

Remember the food critic from the movie Ratatouille. His mantra, "I love food,so, if I don't love it, I don't swallow."

Good Advice! But how can this be practical, especially on the poverty diet and many people don't want to waste food. Also, this idea is in direct contrast to the 'eat to live' philosophy. But I get the idea: love food and appreciate it's beauty. Eat to feed your palate, not your stomach or soul.

The bottom of the Barrel

Guess What? I am broke.

Now I recall, sometime during the eighties, that Belinda Carlisle of the Go Go's lived on Peanut Butter and Jelly plus Mac and Cheese. She lost some much weight that a rock and roll promoter signed then to a record deal. We know how that turned out. (I looked for an interview to support this hazy memory of my teens, but I couldn't. I am 100% sure it was a singer, I am 90% sure it was Ms. Carlisle. It could have been a 'Bangle').

So, I am now going to embark on the poverty diet, at least for the next week and a half. I took an inventory of the freezer, fridge, and pantry. I have the following:
1 box Quinoa
1/2 box of spelt pasta
1/2 jar of peanut butter
1/4 jar of strawberry jam
can of chick peas
one peach
1/2 clove of garlic

Well, I think I need to scrap together some money for some bread. It will be a carb fest like no other, but with small amounts I think I'll be okay.
Anyone have recipe ideas, I've got plenty of spices.

P.S. I got weighed at the doctor today. Allowing for menstrual bloat and middle of the day fluids, I gained about 2 pounds from my Cadbury binge.

Think like a dog...

A thought occurred to me as I walked Sebastian, to the park the other day: He never thinks about what he looks like. . Sebastian doesn't think he is attractive or unattractive-he just is. Sebastian never worries about the extra two pounds he gained in the last two years which is probably my fault. He lives in the moment. He's always happy. I envy his uncomplicated mental state.

How can I learn to be more like him? How can I learn to just be?

Part of the problems I have with food relate to my obsession with it and my body. Is it possible to not think about it. That's what naturally thin people I know do. When they are hungry they realize they should eat. They eat; they are not hungry. They resume the business of living. It is statistically impossible to not feel a false hunger when 70 percent of my waking thoughts revolve around when and what I will eat. Is this just the genetic strand I was given. How can this be overcome?

Easter Candy-My Crack

The greatest chocolate on the planet-in my humble opinion. Pour one bag into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds then shake then micro for another 15-30. The inside will melt slightly but the shell won't crack. Awesome flavor.
First sighting: Duane Reade 106th and Broadway. One week after Valentine's Day.
Consumed bag tally as of today: 3 large bags, 4 small.
Tally of Bags given to roommate for hiding: 1 large.
Thoughts of ransacking roommate's room to find candy: 5
Nausea events due to rapid and compulsive eating of candy: 2
Pounds gained : Terrified to weigh self. Probably one.
I never stockpile so except for the one, it will all be over after Easter. When is Easter? Not till April right. Oh my.

I know the people who read this blog understand how self control can easily be usurped by irrational compulsion and obsession. This is the hardest time of the year for me. On the happy front, my book is going well and I seem to have better control over my food choices as well as the amounts of the bad stuff.

Why, Did I have Plastic Surgery on National TV?

Sorry for my absence. At my core I am an obsessive compulsive. Working on my book has consumed me. But I have hit a speed bump.

The book I am writing, This Is So Not Pretty: Finding Love and Beauty on TV not only revolves around my ninety pound weight loss, but the Plastic Surgery that gave me a body as close to ideal as I could have. As you all know in the last four 1/2 years I've gained and lost the same forty pounds.

Now, as part of finding the ending to my book and the true arc of my journey, I ask myself why. First, Why did I do the show? To be honest, I lost ninety pounds, needed the tucks and a chin. I applied for the show and I got lucky. I would do it again a hundred times over, even with the three day stay in the real hospital for a raging infection.

Why did I let myself go, Why did I start eating the things I knew were bad for me? Why, when I know exactly how to, wont I loose the weight that I profess to despise? I say that I never realized, that I was so skinny after the makeover. I had whiplash. But the impetus of my original weight loss was actually feeling healthy inside then seeing a photo of myself that made the disconnect between my brain and body obvious. Are health and thinness one and the same. So I never truly felt skinny inside.

All I wanted was to be healthy. I did that. Then I knew I would never have a flat stomach without the surgery.(Thirty-three year-old skin does not magically disappear.)

I need to go back to the mission statement--BE HEALTHY. FUCK THINNESS. Right now, I am healthy. I can run and jump and climb rocks. That's all I wanted. That , and a soul mate. I haven't found him yet, but I will. I have an amazing shape to my body:smooth belly, breasts in the right spot. People always said I was like a Renaissance painting. Maybe that's what, I am meant to be.

P.S I will try my best to be posting more consistently, as this blog is so helpful to me. Be well everyone.

Weight Loss Blogging

It works... I have been gone from the blog for 4days and my eating has suffered. Knowing that I wasn't going to have time to report my actions to my readers made it easier for me to eat the cheese. Of course it was the weekend, my social life got in the way of my eating habits. I'm back on track now. And that's about all. Still doing the same thing.
I also want to report that I won't be blogging as much because I am writing a book about an amazing time in my life. I work 40 hours a week. I want to have my proposal finished by the 1st week of March so I need to devote all of my time to that and Sebastian. I plan to, hopefully, be posting two to three times a week.

Hope everyone is well and plugging away toward their goals.

Doldrum's

So things are going good. I am exercising daily plus I am eating very well: no dairy, no animal. Not sure what the numbers say; I try to stay away from the scale and focus on the clothing. I've been working all week and wearing scrubs so I am not sure about the fit of my pants. When I get all dolled-up tonight for dancing, I'll let you know.

Going out dancing can be a problem for me. I have an affinity for Jose Cuevro, but he has an affinity for my hips. Sure I work it off dancing though I'd rather my net caloric loss be put towards releasing some adipose tissue. Then there is the smoking. I like smoking when I drink, I like drinking when I dance, and I like dancing when I drink and smoke. It is what it is: I am going to smoke tonight so I just accept it.

I have an underlying depression going on. It's mild and I thought it was going to dissipate with the daily workouts. Right now, I'm still sad and frustrated with my state. I feel stagnant and trapped. More on that later.

Have a nice day everyone.

Exercise

01/20/2009-self portrait, weight 178, I'm an apple shape-it's all in the middle.


Not much to report today. My will stays strong and I remain devoted to my health and body. I continue to eschew dairy and I haven't even dreamt about chocolate. Wait till Easter. I'll be rolling in the Cadbury. Sebastian and I went for another workout in the park tonight and I was able to maintain jogging for 4minutes. Last year I was up to thirty minutes of sustained jogging, but after three months of stagnance it may take another month to get back to that statistic.

I use a Heart Rate Monitor when I exercise because when I walk I have a tendency to slow dow. Since my workout involves intervals 3-4 mins of walk followed by 3-4mins of jog I need keep track of the lower end. It's best to stay in the target range throughout the entire exercise. I'm a bit out of shape; what used to produce a heart rate of 130 now turns out a 138. Not to fret, with a month of work my Polar Monitor will display a calm 128 while jogging.

I ate one improperly combined food today:peanut butter and graham cracker. No flogging for that.

Glorious Day: Sap and Cheese

Disclaimer: Sap and Cheese ahead. Do not read further if you have an aversion to sap and cheese, and I am not talking about Maple and Gouda.

Snow rocks my world. It is the planet's greatest gift to us, well to me. I don't have to shovel. It's snowing here in NYC, so I bundled up and took the pooch for a walk/jog. We went into the North Woods of Central Park; we ran, slid, skidded and played. If you don't live in NY, it might be difficult to imagine woods in the middle of the city, but trust me they are there. And they look like any other forest/woods you may have visited. When I'm blazing past the snow covered trees I feel lucky to be alive and most fortunate to live in this glorious place. New York City feeds my soul and even after five years I never tire of it's wonders.

I finally used my Chanukah ITunes card two nights ago. I got some great music including an electronic version of 'Flight of the Bumblebee' plus 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?' by Rockapella. Yes, I am a geek, and geeks are sexy. Does anyone remember those guys from the PBS game show that proved American children can't find Zimbawe on an outlined map. I made a new workout playlist with my new tunes. Combined with the snow and the new music my average heart rate was 130 for 50 minutes. Awesome.
I ate some Quinoa and Spinach and now drinking a coffee flanked by my animal children. My new music plays in the dock as I type. Ahhh, life is grand.

Oh yes I ate like a champ today. Good Day!!! Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the little bits of magic that make this life grand.

P.S. I'll be back to my regular non-sappy self tomorrow.

The Importance of Fruit

Fruit plays an important role in Fit for Life. Everyone needs fruit for the vitamins and high water content. Some dieters shy away from fruit because of the high sugar content. The sugar in fruit is natural and unrefined. It is a good thing. Fit for Life and Natural Hygiene that fruit should be eaten upon waking and for the first four hours of the day. According to Harvey Diamond, the author of Fit for Life, the body performs the final step of elimination in the morning hours. Therefore it does not have the energy to digest heavy foods. The typical cereal and milk breakfast will sit in the stomach like a lead weight until energy becomes available. Fruit when eaten alone passes through in twenty minutes plus the body uses the sugar right away. The plan encourages fruit to always be eaten alone so that always passes through easily. This was hard to get used to at first, but it became second nature. Now I feel funny if I don't have my morning banana or Naked Drink. I mostly drink my breakfast for convenience and I don't feel that hungry plus I have a lot of energy in the morning.

Fruit can also be eaten at the end of the day on an empty stomach(three hours since the last meal) to stave off late night cravings.

Being a Woman/Status Report

Since everyone else is talking about PMS this week, I might as well add my two grams. This time around, my PMS lasted for a week with bloating and anxiety. I weighed myself at work and had gained two pounds. Ouch! My buddy reminded me that I was emotional and therefore Auntie Flo was on the way. Hence the bloat. It's good to have a gay best friend, they often notice more than women. I cried my eyes out when I found the butter tub opened on the counter. That was a big clue. People at my work were worried and afraid to incite a torrent of tears, but I think tears are a good thing. I believe PMS to be the time when we have a good excuse to cry like babies. All month I deal well with my stresses and dissatisfaction; period time comes and I can let it go. Not that I'm a weeping willow, but I relish a good sob.

On a happy note my jeans are looser now and the only dairy I've had is half and half in coffee. My eating habits are back on track. I am Fit for Life-ing all over the place. Last night I took Sebastian out for his first rollerblade since his injury. He was running like the wind. My new blades glided over the rough patches with ease and when going up the hills my stride was Eric Flaim, Olympic Speedskater. Oh how I love them. Thanks Ray!

Ancient Grains

Disclaimer: What follows is my opinion. I am in no way trying to dissuade people from the low-carb movement.

I was reading my blogs this morning and I've come to realize that the low-carb movement is quite active. Being a vegetarian, you may have guessed that I am not a practitioner of this diet. I tried it a few times when I was young. My father took me to Dr's Quick Weight Loss Center. I believe he paid 400 dollars; I have such a good daddy. I'm sure they encouraged vegetables with pounds of fatty meats, but I was so excited to hear that I could lose weight eating burgers and cheese that I didn't hear it. I did lose 17 pounds the first two weeks. Excitement and smaller sizes followed then boredom and cravings. I never was a big pasta eater but I loved bread. As you might except the 'diet' stopped and the weight came on. People need carbs.

Success didn't happen until I found Fit for Life which encourages eating every food group(even meat) so long as it is unrefined. So when I talk about whole grains and how much of them I eat I am referring to something specific: Ancient Grains.

Ancient Grains are completely unrefined grains. Many have heard of Spelt and Quinoa(Keen-wa) plus they can be found in many mainstream grocery stores. Amaranth, Millet, and Kamut are known to the cruncy granola tree-huggers since they have not yet escape from the health food label. All these grains have large amounts of protein and require more energy from the body to digest. Hence you burn calories when you eat them. You wont melt fat just by eating these foods. Like anything, if they are overeaten they can be stored as lipids. I found them helpful before and after workouts. My L.A. doctor told me that you continue to burn fat after exercise.

I buy Spelt bread. It's so dense and filling one slice is enough. Ezekiel Bread or Bible bread is well known and can be found in grocery stores. The website does not include nutritional info but I recall the protein to be about 7-9grams and the calories 70 or 80 per slice.
Quinoa can be made like rice: 1 part grain to 2 parts water bring to boil and let simmer for 20 minutes. I put mine in mushroom broth which gives it a nice moist fluffy texture.

When I started my journey The Whole Foods Bible served me well;it's like an encyclopedia of unrefined foods.

And I just found this book on Amazon for cooking the grains. I wish I had it back then, it would have saved me some trial and error.

The Stomach Bug

Sorry for my two day Hiatus. I fell victim to a stomach bug. If I'm too sick to touch food, then I'm too sick to touch the computer. I watched a lot of 'Buffy' and 'Smallville'. The upside: I might have lost a few pounds. Okay maybe one.

Do you like the new banner. Go over and tell the Token Fat Girl how much.

Two days ago, at a book reading, a wave of nausea crept up on me. I realized that I hadn't eaten for seven hours, but hunger had left the building. When the reading ended I started having the chills. On the way home I stopped at the bodega for a two vitamin waters then crawled and shivered my way into bed. Before sleep came I had drank one. The next morning I still felt bad and not hungry at all. I was starving by 8pm last night, but I didn't want to give in to my pangs because If I ate, then the only benefit of a stomach flu-losing a few pounds-is lost.

Hunger is a survival mechanism, just like breathing and thirst. I know it's crucial yet I wish I could turn it off at will. There are people, like my sister, who do not feel hungry, or if they do it is easily satiated. These are the people who eat whatever they want and they just stop, as if affected by a magical force. Who are these people and can I borrow some DNA from them. I've tried to imagine this feeling but can't seem to evoke a constant feeling of fullness. I fight myself everyday to feel that. I'm not saying that I want to have a sudden case of anorexia; that's on the same level as obsessive eating. I just want to feel full on it's own, not because of a viral attack.

We all have something to deal with: my sister permed her hair, mine was naturally curly. These naturally thin people should have something...like chin fuzz.

Fit for Life

For a while I've been wanting to write about Fit for Life, the lifestyle plan that helped me alter my world. Fit for Life finds it's roots in Natural Hygiene. And Natural Hygiene is based on the principles of eating as nature intended the human animal to. (This short essay and I assume that humans are animals and the product of evolution.) These are my personal beliefs and why I this method work so well for me. It made sense.




The plan encourages Veganism, however it does give alternatives to those who want to consume meat. The authors reason that human were not meant to eat the flesh. Why? We simply can't; we are the only animal that uses tools to catch, kill, and prepare meat. The plan also discourages dairy. Have you ever witnessed a human sucking on a cow teat. I think not, although this is a hard one for me because I love cheese.

Food combining is one of the basic tenets of the program. Basically, protein and carbohydrates are not eaten within three hours of each other. When eaten together these foods digest over a long period of time leaving the eater feeling sluggish. Think of how you felt after your a recent meat and potatoes meal. When I first started I noticed a surge in energy after a properly combined meal. Calorie counting is thrown away-if you eat the right foods in the right way there is no need to.

I credit Fit for Life for changing my life by teaching me how to eat better and for giving me a way of eating , pardon the redundancy, for Life. I became healthy, happy, and had loads of energy. My periods got lighter and less painful. I'm starting to sound like an infomercial now, but I do love this life. Sure I alter it, have uncombined meals, and eat cheese. But I have the framework which is always there for me.

State of the Week Address

I have nothing to report on the greater themes of the female form or motivation or body image. Just Heather here trying to get a post up while Smallville plays in the background. I love Smallville. Anywho... Here we go.

1. Flew to Atlanta on Friday night. My best friend of 20 years is getting married in May. On Saturday we went spent a lazy morning in bed, platonic of course, then headed to a shop for a successful dress shopping experience. Flew home on Sunday afternoon for the aforementioned party. My friend lent me some clothes. I looked fab.

2.Did an overtime day at work and was on call last night. So extra cash. Go me!

3.My extra job tutoring came through. I'm excited to be helping someone pass the dreaded nursing boards.

4.Went to dinner with a friend and talked out my problems. I am writing a book about my body transformation that happened on TV. I just don't have much time to write. But she helped me put it in perspective. Sacrifice now leads to success later. I am canceling my February trip to my cousins for skiing and using the vacation time to write.

5. Ambulated Canine

6. Put together sample nursing exam for new student.

7. Blogging

8. As of Saturday I lost a pound according to my friends scale. So that's a good thing.

9. Managed to eat only 3/4 of a small cookie without entering the deep dark spiral of gluttony.

Here's to a great week...clink.

Fat Clothes

So I have this party to go to on Sunday. My friend is celebrating an essay published in Self magazine. She and her husband live in a spectacular apartment in midtown. Her hubby is famous in the music industry. Her wardrobe looks like a professional stylist attends her each morning. What the heck am I going to wear? All of my nice/hip clothes are now two small for me. When I hit size six, I gave all my fat clothes to goodwill except for my size 24 jeans(I made them into an art project) I thought that not having the clothes around would make it easier to maintain, that I would never let myself get to size 14. In the past four years I've been creeping up there. I had to buy a few size tens. Then a size twelve. And now I really need a 14, but I refuse to buy any clothes because that would mean I accept this weight. I am not ready to do that. Since I am a nurse, I don't need a professional wardrobe, so I run around in the same pair of jeans. Right now my weight loss goals have nothing to do with health, but economics. I have the wardrobe, I just need to fit into it.

Walk Tall and Carry a Clif Bar

So I am going back to the beginning. What worked before will work again. I weighed myself two days ago and I gained two pounds to weigh 182. That's dangerously close to the old Heather. I am not going there.

Today I said I would talk about Clif Bars and the importance they played in my successful weight loss. I believed they help maintain a continuous yet moderate feeling of fullness and helped maintain my metabolism. You may think I'm insane when I say it, but I lost 70 pounds by eating carbs-whole grain carbs- all the time. My lunch bag for work seem to weigh 10 pounds. (Unrefined food sits in the tummy like a brick. Undigested it's provides a good bicep work-out.) When the loss was noticiable my coworker's asked if I had a Gastic Bypass. "Nope, I just eat like I had one." 6 small meals every 3-4 hours was, for me, the plan that led me to fat loss mecca.

When I was young, I ate two things: daddy's hamburgers and mommy's meatballs.  When I was twenty I ate two things: mozzarella sticks and cheeseburgers.  At the age of 31 in the Summer of 2002, my father grilled me my last piece of steak.   Going Vegan in mind and body took about one year and once I hit my stride the pounds melted away.  

After I lost the first third my passion for rock climbing scrambled to the surface.  I took myself to New Paltz, New York for my first session of real rock climbing.  I had a blast and came away with a Clif Bar, a whole grain organic energy bar.   Back in the early 2000's energy bars tasted like a dirty floor.  Gary, the creator, reinvented the concept into an amalgam of granola and chocolate.   The bar spoke to me more than an Odwalla.  The rock climber doing an inverse on the package was the girl I wanted to be.  

I used Clif's for pre-workout, snacks, and meal replacement.  As a nurse you sometimes can't get away for a lunch.  I always had a clif bar in my pocket.   And I didn't eat the whole thing.  I'd take little bites whenever hunger would get me.  (I do believe a steady stream of food helped increase my metabolism plus hunger makes me crave things I shouldn't have. ) Even when not at work I'd always have the Clif.  Just in case.   A traditional Cliffy has 220 calories and 1o g of protein, a Luna has 180 and 9.  My favorite flavor is Chocolate Chip Cookie.  They do have trace amounts of dairy, so they are not completely vegan.   I do recommend that one not have more than one or two clifs per day they're not that high in fiber, only 3 grams per bar.  Too many may clog the plumbing.      

Getting Back on the Horse

I think I've discovered the key to my food problems. Are you ready for this....never let myself get too hungry. Today I treated myself well. I ate completely vegan, except for my half and half. I had a Naked Fruit drink for Breakfast, salad and vegetable soup for lunch and after work snack, and another salad with macrobiotic sesame noodles. As long as I don't get too hungry, I don't crave the sweets. Walk tall and carry a clif bar. Clif bars were one of the elements of my success four years ago. I'll explain in tomorrows post.

I need to start my workouts again, but I can't seem to run or rollerblade without my pooch. Central Park is too bleak without him. He's on an activity restriction because of his recent paw problem. On Jan 11 will be back in action again. My friend is getting married in May and I need to loose 10 pounds so I can fit into the dress.

The Spiral

Pasta Queen's recent entry spoke to me more than anything I've read since becoming a weight loss blogger. I never had help for the first go round, making the changes were easy, but now I'm lucky to have found this cyber world. The second time is much harder and I'm not sure why.

The first time I did it by eating Vegan, nary an animal product touched my lips. My chocolate fix had to come from carob. It was not as satisfying, ergo I ate less. Also, it's completely unrefined and takes up 3/4's of your stomach. Almond cheese (yes, it exists and is quite delicious) stood in for Gorgonzola. I walked/jogged into the healthiest time of my life. My resting heart rate was 48, my cholesterol 130. Then I went to California, was forced to eat fish and eggs. Since I was cheating on "my diet", slipping up and savoring a milligram of cheese with Janine, my extreme buddy, held no consequence. Producers regaled us with cautionary tales of the few participants who actually gained weight after their surgery. When I came home I found it difficult to find a seat on the Vegan bus. Plus, I figured I didn't have to worry so much. My food issues had been sucked into the five pounds of skin laying on the OR table.

Here I am four years later. Yesterday a coworker brought Canadian chocolate back from a trip for Kerry. I was working in the same area as her so they sat in the desk. Joselyn ate two and walked away. Oh how I envy her ability to stop!!! She eats what she wants and then stops. What a novel concept. Kerry and Ray too. I know I can't stop. So I abstain. Until Kerry heads out for lunch leaving me alone with the chocolate. I ate five unwrapping the second while chewing the first. I couldn't hide them because I'd know where they were. I couldn't focus on work. I had to bring them up to the main area for someone else to watch until Kerry's return. The rest of the day sucked eating wise. The chocolate sent me into the spiral. Cheese, bread, and pasta salad for dinner which I topped off with two candy bars. Plus a little bag of Combo's. Had to moderate the sweet with a little salt. Balance is good for you. The binge ended when I fell asleep on the couch. A replicated moment of my depression filled twenties.

In PQ's entry she asks can you be addicted to something you need for survival? I say yes. A friend in college weighed about 400 pounds when a medical scare sent her to OA. She joined the strictest offshoot of the group and admitted, much like in AA or NA, admits they cannot consume any form of their addictive substance. What does one do when they must eat to live? Get an IV? Get a feeding tube? She recounted a blissful feeling of relief when she handed over control to her sponsor. A lifetime of bad choices and stress about making bad choices lifted from her. She lost all of her weight I went to visit her. Inside her fridge sat stacks of tupperware labeled and organized. She consulted her menu then took a tupperware from each shelf and placed it on the plate. She explained it thusly: I make no choices about food, I eat what and when my sponsor tells me, I measure my food to the milligram, I eat if I'm hungry, I eat if I am not hungry. Watching her eat it was clear she derived no pleasure from the food or the action of eating the food. However, once she started playing the piano with me singing it was clear that she sucked the pleasure out of life.

Back to me...
My spiral yesterday showed me something valuable. I cannot eat chocolate and I may, to be successful in this quest, have to return to a vegan life. I may be able to consume that which I love like I love my bestfriend if there is only one of them. Walk five miles to get a Sbux nibbler cookie. I've tried to show some will, but the bag inevitably ends up on my hips. I wish people would understand about food addiction. My friends get the vegetarian thing and don't offer me meat. They should do the same for chocolate.
"No, thank you. No cake for me."
"Aww just a little slice, it wont kill you"
"No seriously, I don't want any"
"Aww you're no fun."

Actually I'm a lot of fun when I'm not bogged down with thoughts of that which I adore.

Heather's Hair

After I lost thirty pounds during the summer of 2003, I lost a large portion of the hair on the top of my head. Doctors attributed the loss to a genetic condition accelerated by a change in the nitrogen balance brought about my weight loss. My diet was not in question. It was simply unfortunate. I had two hair transplants since. I am consumed by my hair. When I was much larger, my red mop described me as opposed to my weight. "Who is Nurse Heather?" asks a doctor. "She's the one with the long red hair," replies a coworker. My hair went away when it was no longer needed.

I am waiting to save enough money to have one more transplant. In the meantime: no coloring, no braiding, no tight ponytails. I apply coconut oil every night, and it seems to be working. I can never be sure though. I decided to take a picture each month and put in on the blog. It's obvious the transplants were as successful as they can be for a woman. I did this with a wet head. That's the true test.

Mold in the Refrigerator

My roommate should give up her acting career for antibiotic research.

Since my December travels have ended I went out to the grocery. Putting away the arugula, broccoli and sprouts, I noticed 5 Tupperware containers strewn about the fridge. My precious produce requires a clean space in order to nourish me with their goodness. I attacked.

It was gross; lentils and beans flecked with blue and green fuzz. They smelled worse than a hospital on a hot day. Dinner anyone. I forgot to take photos. Consider yourself lucky.

Today was a productive day. I met my friend for lunch. We shared a cheese plate that we made sure not to finish. I went to the Apple Store and fondled the MacBook Pro(any patrons out there). I got a manicure.(check my other site for a funny photo) And braved the Fairway on a Sunday late afternoon. The Fairway, a popular Manhattan market, should hand out a Valium along with the basket. It is insane, but they have the best prices and the best food. Aside from a Natural Market upstairs, they have fine cheeses, imported olive oils, and an amazing deli featuring delicious prepared foods.

I came home washed my veggies, made lunch, then chatted with three people at the same time. I am Supergirl.

Low Self-Esteem

Is no fun...and there is absolutely no reason for it. It is the most useless of all useless emotions. Yet, I continue to be plagued by it. Some things we have no control over. Some things we do.

My best friend's brother got married last year. We've been friends for 20 years so I was kind of like family. I'm hanging at the house the day of the wedding(my friend was getting dolled up with the other bridesmaids) so Rick, the groom, and I chatted while he tended to his groomsmen gifts. He was, on the day of his wedding to the woman of his dreams, complaining about his height. "I'm too short it really bothers me." I told him that life's to short to waste time on issues he can't control. He can't have surgery to implant 5 inches of bone. Well maybe one day. He agreed with me then muttered about how some thoughts are just thoughts. Then we commiserated on our mutual irrationalities. I went for a walk. Down by the lake I did some yoga in grass and thought on the conversation.

I did not get very far with myself. I still, even after having two twelve hour plastic surgeries on national Television, fight with myself on feeling and knowing I'm pretty. I can dissect myself into good: Curvy hips, flat tummy, nice eyes, then bad: thick midsection, flabby arms, no hair, but can't seem to see the whole. On my ski trip I was salivating over some hot ski boys and thought, Maybe next year when I loose more weight I look better to them. WTF is wrong with you, Waghelstein. I want to loose weight to feel better and climb more mountains. Have fun with ski boys and rock climbers is a bonus.

Here's the deal--I'm still stagnating in pursuing the career(acting, comedy) I want because I still don't think I look good enough. There, I said it. Everyone was right.

Brookhaven Obesity Clinic

I went to Baltimore for the New Year.  I don't have cable so I am clueless when it comes to all the reality shows on TLC and Bravo, etc.  On New Year's Day my friend flipped channels with her usual apathy.  We landed upon a New Year's Day marathon of  "Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic." The show, peppered with previews for Half-Ton Teen, Mom, and Dad, focused on 75 of America's most Obese people.   These people weigh more than 400-450 pounds. 

Mike Hebrenko, had lost 800 pounds twenty years ago; he started to regain two days after hitting his goal weight.  He forgot that food addiction is like alcoholism-it is never cured. In 2003 when the show was filmed he was a resident at Brookhaven weighing over 500 pounds.  This man is considered the most famous fat man in America.   He lost the weight using the motivation and techniques of Richard Simmons(Is he still alive?), then became teacher's pet to the perky fitness guru.  

Yes, Mr. Simmons is still alive and according to his website he will be teaching and motivating until he arrives at the 'pearly gates.'  I think G-d will sponsor daily trips to hell for Richard and Andy Gibb.  Andy will sing Shadow Dancing while Richard makes those poor souls 'Sweat to the Oldies.'  

Back to the show which put a few things in perspective for me.

I shouldn't obsess too much about 20-30 pounds when there are people out their trying to loose 200+.  Some of the folks on my blogroll have been or are in that position.   Also, I should be positive about my accomplishment: I've lost 90 pounds and, for the past four years, have kept fifty of those pounds off.  

I liked Mr. Hebrenko for the most part.  I understand how easy it is to regain the weight.  But, for part of the show, he looked to others for the answers and tried to put blame elsewhere.  Many of the shows participants blamed work, stress, etc.

 

I know there are people dealing with serious issues, but in the end, unless someone puts a gun to my head with each bite, I am the one who controls what I put into my body.