Saturday, January 3, 2009

Low Self-Esteem

Is no fun...and there is absolutely no reason for it. It is the most useless of all useless emotions. Yet, I continue to be plagued by it. Some things we have no control over. Some things we do.

My best friend's brother got married last year. We've been friends for 20 years so I was kind of like family. I'm hanging at the house the day of the wedding(my friend was getting dolled up with the other bridesmaids) so Rick, the groom, and I chatted while he tended to his groomsmen gifts. He was, on the day of his wedding to the woman of his dreams, complaining about his height. "I'm too short it really bothers me." I told him that life's to short to waste time on issues he can't control. He can't have surgery to implant 5 inches of bone. Well maybe one day. He agreed with me then muttered about how some thoughts are just thoughts. Then we commiserated on our mutual irrationalities. I went for a walk. Down by the lake I did some yoga in grass and thought on the conversation.

I did not get very far with myself. I still, even after having two twelve hour plastic surgeries on national Television, fight with myself on feeling and knowing I'm pretty. I can dissect myself into good: Curvy hips, flat tummy, nice eyes, then bad: thick midsection, flabby arms, no hair, but can't seem to see the whole. On my ski trip I was salivating over some hot ski boys and thought, Maybe next year when I loose more weight I look better to them. WTF is wrong with you, Waghelstein. I want to loose weight to feel better and climb more mountains. Have fun with ski boys and rock climbers is a bonus.

Here's the deal--I'm still stagnating in pursuing the career(acting, comedy) I want because I still don't think I look good enough. There, I said it. Everyone was right.

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