Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why, Did I have Plastic Surgery on National TV?

Sorry for my absence. At my core I am an obsessive compulsive. Working on my book has consumed me. But I have hit a speed bump.

The book I am writing, This Is So Not Pretty: Finding Love and Beauty on TV not only revolves around my ninety pound weight loss, but the Plastic Surgery that gave me a body as close to ideal as I could have. As you all know in the last four 1/2 years I've gained and lost the same forty pounds.

Now, as part of finding the ending to my book and the true arc of my journey, I ask myself why. First, Why did I do the show? To be honest, I lost ninety pounds, needed the tucks and a chin. I applied for the show and I got lucky. I would do it again a hundred times over, even with the three day stay in the real hospital for a raging infection.

Why did I let myself go, Why did I start eating the things I knew were bad for me? Why, when I know exactly how to, wont I loose the weight that I profess to despise? I say that I never realized, that I was so skinny after the makeover. I had whiplash. But the impetus of my original weight loss was actually feeling healthy inside then seeing a photo of myself that made the disconnect between my brain and body obvious. Are health and thinness one and the same. So I never truly felt skinny inside.

All I wanted was to be healthy. I did that. Then I knew I would never have a flat stomach without the surgery.(Thirty-three year-old skin does not magically disappear.)

I need to go back to the mission statement--BE HEALTHY. FUCK THINNESS. Right now, I am healthy. I can run and jump and climb rocks. That's all I wanted. That , and a soul mate. I haven't found him yet, but I will. I have an amazing shape to my body:smooth belly, breasts in the right spot. People always said I was like a Renaissance painting. Maybe that's what, I am meant to be.

P.S I will try my best to be posting more consistently, as this blog is so helpful to me. Be well everyone.