Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Back Again....

Well, It's been 1year and 1month since I blogged on this site. I thought I(as a whole emotional and physical being) was cooked, plated, and garnished; ready for the world to consume. Consume, in a figurative way.

And I am back. Back to being the size I was two years ago. If I don't arrest the process, I may find myself back to the beginning. Back to 2003 and 230lb. All my work, the running, jumping and climbing, plus the plastic surgery of my makeover will be for naught. I'm scared that I won't be able to stop. My old habits are returning: eating five bags of M+M's, scraping all the icing from the office party cake, and unhinging my jaw to insert a veggie burger dripping with cheese and ketchup. There are times I can't find the will to stop.

The Token Fat Girl's blog entry today spurred me to write this entry. Her honest depiction of negativity and fear resonated with me. Link below.

I know that I have proven that I can do this. The question I most often ask myself is why aren't you doing this? My therapist says, I get in my own way. I feel most days that it's not worth the effort. The trappings of societal interactions fail to excite or incite me. That statement is a metaphor for, "I have what I need and don't need anymore." I do have a spanking good life going on here in NYC: Great friends(the best friends), the best animal children, good job, going back to school and an apartment(with my own bedroom) 30 seconds from Central Park.

But this attitude is like to say, I am satisfied, there is nothing left to do. This is not the best approach to enlightenment, though in some areas, I feel so defeated. I need to focus, like The Token Fat Girl on actions rather than feelings.