Back Again....

Well, It's been 1year and 1month since I blogged on this site. I thought I(as a whole emotional and physical being) was cooked, plated, and garnished; ready for the world to consume. Consume, in a figurative way.

And I am back. Back to being the size I was two years ago. If I don't arrest the process, I may find myself back to the beginning. Back to 2003 and 230lb. All my work, the running, jumping and climbing, plus the plastic surgery of my makeover will be for naught. I'm scared that I won't be able to stop. My old habits are returning: eating five bags of M+M's, scraping all the icing from the office party cake, and unhinging my jaw to insert a veggie burger dripping with cheese and ketchup. There are times I can't find the will to stop.

The Token Fat Girl's blog entry today spurred me to write this entry. Her honest depiction of negativity and fear resonated with me. Link below.

I know that I have proven that I can do this. The question I most often ask myself is why aren't you doing this? My therapist says, I get in my own way. I feel most days that it's not worth the effort. The trappings of societal interactions fail to excite or incite me. That statement is a metaphor for, "I have what I need and don't need anymore." I do have a spanking good life going on here in NYC: Great friends(the best friends), the best animal children, good job, going back to school and an apartment(with my own bedroom) 30 seconds from Central Park.

But this attitude is like to say, I am satisfied, there is nothing left to do. This is not the best approach to enlightenment, though in some areas, I feel so defeated. I need to focus, like The Token Fat Girl on actions rather than feelings.

Why, Did I have Plastic Surgery on National TV?

Sorry for my absence. At my core I am an obsessive compulsive. Working on my book has consumed me. But I have hit a speed bump.

The book I am writing, This Is So Not Pretty: Finding Love and Beauty on TV not only revolves around my ninety pound weight loss, but the Plastic Surgery that gave me a body as close to ideal as I could have. As you all know in the last four 1/2 years I've gained and lost the same forty pounds.

Now, as part of finding the ending to my book and the true arc of my journey, I ask myself why. First, Why did I do the show? To be honest, I lost ninety pounds, needed the tucks and a chin. I applied for the show and I got lucky. I would do it again a hundred times over, even with the three day stay in the real hospital for a raging infection.

Why did I let myself go, Why did I start eating the things I knew were bad for me? Why, when I know exactly how to, wont I loose the weight that I profess to despise? I say that I never realized, that I was so skinny after the makeover. I had whiplash. But the impetus of my original weight loss was actually feeling healthy inside then seeing a photo of myself that made the disconnect between my brain and body obvious. Are health and thinness one and the same. So I never truly felt skinny inside.

All I wanted was to be healthy. I did that. Then I knew I would never have a flat stomach without the surgery.(Thirty-three year-old skin does not magically disappear.)

I need to go back to the mission statement--BE HEALTHY. FUCK THINNESS. Right now, I am healthy. I can run and jump and climb rocks. That's all I wanted. That , and a soul mate. I haven't found him yet, but I will. I have an amazing shape to my body:smooth belly, breasts in the right spot. People always said I was like a Renaissance painting. Maybe that's what, I am meant to be.

P.S I will try my best to be posting more consistently, as this blog is so helpful to me. Be well everyone.